9:11 PM | link
Sometimes happy,
Sometimes sad.
Pretty tacky,
Always bad.

3:50 PM | link
"Oh baby, your love is so sweet it just blows my mind."

3:48 PM | link
Who needs the Miss America Pageant when you can have this instead?

3:33 PM | link
Looks like Santa's got a little Quality Assurance problem on his hands.

3:23 PM | link
"Uh, Mr. President, it's right there beneath your neck, sir."

2:57 PM | link
Now that's a cool party trick.

2:51 PM | link
With this gift, you can show those bratty neighborhood kids that you're willing to let bygones be bygones.

12:31 AM | link
Tune in again next week, when I'll be auctioning off jpegs of my summer vacation.

12:14 AM | link
Holy stash boxes, Batman!

11:45 PM | link
Because there are so many chartered accounts who love prog rock.

11:35 PM | link
There's rustic, and then there's rustic.

11:18 PM | link
We feel much better abour ourselves whenever we wear positive-affirmation underpants.

11:05 PM | link
Confidential to seller: If these really are the "cutest things you've ever seen" then may we suggest you leave the house a little more often?

10:59 PM | link
Say you're attacked by a band of thieving hooligans. Which would you rather whip out of your pocket: pepper spray or real protection?

10:31 PM | link
Stop wasting your money on overpriced recreational hallucinogens!

10:23 PM | link
Especially when they're snuggled up beneath some guy's beer belly.

10:13 PM | link
After which you can sue yourself for malpractice.

9:57 PM | link
Every morning we wake up and thank god for our ability to accessorize.

9:44 PM | link
We don't know what's better: the cheery background and animated rainbow graphics, or the fact that somebody decided to list a complete funeral and burial package in the "Occasion:Retirement" category.

(The Colossus of Rhodes graphic, otoh, has got to go.)

12:15 AM | link
Rub-a-dub-dub, three perfectly straight men in a tub.

11:42 PM | link
If you've ever wondered what it would be like to feel up a mouse, now's your chance.

11:22 PM | link
"Glamour Don't" doesn't even begin to describe it.

10:46 PM | link
Still cringing with embarrassment over the whole Earring Magic Ken episode, Mattel was justifiably nervous when it unveiled the new Caeserian Barbie.

10:24 PM | link
Dept. of Adult Education: We want to take whichever class uses this instructional book on women and the use of crack-cocaine.

9:33 PM | link
It's better to sell than to receive.

2:10 AM | link
This ought 'ta rattle the blokes down at the pub.

2:09 AM | link
In case your minivan isn't pimpin' enough.

1:55 AM | link
No one could figure out why the children were always so hungry after drinking Aunt Dottie's tea.

1:52 AM | link
"This the perfect two-person operation, great for a husband-and-wife team." Just don't tell them what happened to the last husband-and-wife team.

1:52 AM | link
What to put on the cake the next time you throw a baby shower for an unwed mother.

1:48 AM | link
There's a reason why they call Disneyland the happiest place on earth.

1:43 AM | link
Impress your friends with your very own Bride-On-A-Stick!

1:34 AM | link
We don't care how you dress it up (or how you dress up in it), trash is trash.

1:26 AM | link
It's nice to see that the Unibomber has found a hobby.

1:14 AM | link
Encouraged by the popularity of Special Olympics, a group of professional golfers have announced plans to sponsor the first annual U.S. Hydrocephalus Open.

(Here, we'll save you the trouble of looking it up.)

1:10 AM | link
The express route to making sure your kid will need intense therapy someday.

1:07 AM | link
Nothing says "I love you" like a toiletbowl of flowers.

12:56 AM | link
No matter how hard he tried, little Timmy couldn't bring himself to play with the headless robot Aunt Dorothy gave him for Christmas.

12:43 AM | link
Everybody loves a clown. Until it tries to kill you in your sleep.

12:38 AM | link
Try as they may, the burn unit could never make Grandma look quite the way she did before.

(thanks Melanie!)

12:32 AM | link
Remember kids: Only you can prevent bad art.

12:29 AM | link
Steve's last words were reported to be: "Look! I made it myself!"

12:24 AM | link
How to decorate like a frat boy.

12:17 AM | link
Looks like the Olympics Committee has selected a mascot for the 2002 Salt Lake City games.

12:06 AM | link
Mmmm, goalie-flavored Jell-O.

11:57 PM | link
"Honey, it's those damn astronauts again. They want to know what you're drinking."

11:33 PM | link
Oh yeah, like we're going to put our mouths on that...

11:30 PM | link
Why hire an expensive therapist when you can work through your anger on Ebay?

11:15 PM | link
Not recommended for compulsive pen-clickers.

1:18 AM | link
The man who wrapped America's collective ass in purple spandex has found himself an equally tasteful new career.

1:06 AM | link
Um, pardon us for asking, but isn't placing a tow truck right above your crotch going to send out the wrong message?

12:55 AM | link
Despite the eye-catching covers and hard-hitting journalism, Bus Ride magazine was ultimately doomed to fail.

12:49 AM | link
Also makes a fine candle.

12:36 AM | link
Actually, this would be sort of cool to own, though we have no idea where we'd put it.

12:25 AM | link
"There's something challenging about a small block of clean wood that makes the fingers itch to start whittling away at it."

11:32 PM | link
Throw out those wimpy air fresheners -- it's time to upgrade.

9:33 AM | link
Yes, but is it unrequited love?

11:54 PM | link
What better way to celebrate the season than by putting out your cigarette in Santa's beard?

11:44 PM | link
NOOOOOOOOOOO!

10:48 PM | link
Share the holiday spirit with everyone around you by wearing this musical scarf that plays Christmas carols.

10:40 PM | link
It wouldn't be Christmas without reindeer porn.

10:29 PM | link
Boy, is Rudolph going to be snippy when he finds out about this.

10:24 PM | link
Um, ok, maybe we should lay off the eggnog for awhile...

10:22 PM | link
Tragedy struck early this morning when an unidentified severed head and eight unidentified severed reindeer heads were found in a dumpster downtown.

10:12 PM | link
"Ahh, screw the little buggers! Let them get their own toys this year -- I've got more important things to do."

10:06 PM | link
Starring George Michael as Santa Claus.